i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
