Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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