My first STD was from a foam party
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
