Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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