Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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