no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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