If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Shame - the story of my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
