Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
