The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
