we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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