Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
