Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
