Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
