Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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