So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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