i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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