Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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