you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
