i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
