I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize