it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
