hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
