it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
