his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
