i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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