I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
