So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize