I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
