Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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