found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sext me about skeletons
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
