The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
