The maid of honor just puked.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
