apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
