I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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