So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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