Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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