i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
