My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
