just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
