I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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