Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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