True but thats because hes a fetus.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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