im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
