I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
