I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
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I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
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it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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