We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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