Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
