just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
