I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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