the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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