i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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