OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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