This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
