I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
