if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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